Anxious...so you're going to the hospital again, damn! I'm glad but worried. At first I told you not to go. You always have to go to the hospital and I thought maybe through meditation and exercise along with the blasted ugly medication the doctor prescribes well the combined efforts of all these good habits might set you on a better health course. Maybe this time you could avoid the pricks and pokes by well meaning and concerned nurses and doctors. But the fact is that your sleep time has been getting thin and scrawny. The doctor's appointment you kept this past week has proved your chemical makeup is out of balance and that if you don't get some sleep, devoted as you have been to making sleep happen you will be in trouble if your mind can't slow down; if your body gets so exhausted that it has to turn off. Who wants to go crazy because the mind won't stop and there is nothing you can do. No medications work, no meditative techniques help, no exercise or manual labor brings sleep. The Hurricane rests just beneath the lids of your eyes. There is nothing I can do for you. I feel useless. I feel helpless and I feel powerless. I feel angry and frightened and scared. Depressed, I don't think anyone really knows because I can't show it. If I give in to this sadness I don't think I can get myself out of it...so I keep on doing what I can to "help" and stay positive. I act on the outside like everything is all right but underneath all my happy behaviors is a stifled scream of fear of "wait a minute!! isn't there anything we can do to make this better?!!" I ruminate over and over again about how you told me last Christmas that this would happen. I can't forget the days we've lost to medication and to this blasted physical residual side effect of having brain cancer. I pray that you will find some relief. I don't have a prayer for myself I pray for you because there is nothing left that I can do.
